Five Reasons NOT to Enter Religious Life

By Sister Kathy Bryant, RSC
(Used with permission of Vision Magazine 2000, published by Claretian Publications. To order a copy, call 1-800-328-6515.)

1. To_Love_Without_Distraction
2. To Seek Peace
3. To Find the Answer
4. To Belong
5. To Repay God

For the last 31 years I have been very happy and fulfilled as a religious sister. However, I know some priests, sisters and brothers who are not happy. Many of them left. Some of them struggled to continue in religious life even though it caused them and their community suffering.

I believe many who have found themselves unhappy in religious communities or priesthood joined for the wrong reasons. Their motives may have been noble but didn't provide a solid basis for commitment. Ultimately, we should have a "selfish" reason for joining a religious community: the life should be the way we will be most happy and most fulfilled.

Thomas Merton writes in one of his prayers that the most important goal in life is our desire to do God's will and that very desire in itself pleases God. Sometimes God's will becomes known to us after we explore our own ideas for ourselves. The "bottom life" of God's will is our salvation, our well-being. This well-being touches our physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of self. God created us, designed us and calls us to that place in which we can become holy, and wholly our best selves.

God's call is gentle, not violent. God's call is an invitation, not an imposition. Therefore, God would not call you to a lifestyle that would cause intense strain or chronic sadness. God would not call you to a vocation that would destroy or incapacitate you. Each of the following stories has a few questions for your reflection.

Use these questions for prayer, for writing in a journal, or for discussing with a spiritual director or with others considering a church vocation.

1. To Love Without Distraction
Yvonne has returned to her Catholic faith after being away from the Church for a while. She is in love with God and wants to give God her life. Yvonne is sure that the only way she can truly be holy is within religious life. Her boyfriend broke up with her, and although Yvonne found this painful, she has forgiven him and resolves not to have anything to do with a romantic relationship again. She knows that with the safety and security of the rules of religious life she will be saved from falling into temptation. Since Yvonne is 45, she also realizes that this is a good opportunity to settle in a place for the rest of her life.

Yvonne has very good intentions. She sincerely wants to love God. However, escaping life is not a valid reason to join a religious community because sisters, priests, and brothers continue to face temptations and are not free from struggles.

Yvonne might also be moving toward religious life because she perceives it as safe and secure. Looking for security and a place to live is not a healthy motivation for entering the convent. This holds true for other vocational choices: no one would recommend getting married for security and a place to live. A longing for security is a superficial motivation, and when the inevitable hardships set in (as they must in any vocation), Yvonne will lack the passion, conviction, and love for the life that must ground her. Furthermore, Yvonne experienced a painful end to her relationship with her boyfriend. Looking at a religious community when you are on the rebound is unhealthy. Most Vocation Directors advise a waiting period between the end of a significant romantic relationship and a serious exploration of a religious vocation. This fallow time will give you better judgment about your own wants and needs.

2. To Seek Peace
Richard has always been a faithful Catholic and very active in his parish. He is careful and particular about the details of his daily life. His job in the post office can be stressful. It is difficult for him to work under pressure. He takes a few days off each month when it gets to be intolerable.

He has read spiritual books and dreams of the peace of a community lifestyle. Richard wants to enter the teaching order of priests that taught him in high school. They always looked so peaceful and happy. His health is fairly good other than chronic stomach problems due to his inability to cope with stress. His doctor has recommended that he look for another job.

Richard, too, is on the wrong track. God would not want us to do violence to ourselves, and the reality is that religious life is stressful. Living in community, often with people we would not choose to live with, is stressful. This holds true for people in active religious orders where members go out to work each day, and it is even more true for contemplative communities where members are together most of the day. It is both a blessing and a challenge to live in community - but it is not a dreamy, stress-free way of life.

Also, priests, brothers, and sisters need to cope with stressful situations in ministry, such as time pressures and conflicts between people. A person who suffers from anxiety in the work world, often will suffer the same symptoms inside religious life or priesthood. Looking for a stress-free lifestyle is not a valid reason to enter a religious order or seminary.

3. To Find the Answer
Chris has grown up in a Catholic family, and the parish priest has always played an important role in his life. He changed majors a few times and never finished college. He had a few jobs but quit because they didn't really challenge him. Chris moved back home recently to live with his folks and is helping with the family business. He is wondering if he should join a religious order of brothers. He has always enjoyed being with the Order that taught him in high school. Nothing else seems to have worked out. Entering the brothers might give his life real meaning and purpose and his family would be delighted.

Most religious communities would challenge Chris to set a goal and reach it before seeking life in a community. Signs of stability are missing in Chris' life. Communities look for evidence of commitment skills from their candidates. They want to see that a person can set goals, make a commitment, and follow through. Religious life can't be a vocation by default because nothing else worked out.

Also, the desire to please his family is a red flag for Chris. The motivation to be a priest, brother, or sister needs to come from a desire to serve rather than a desire to please others.

4. To Belong
Ruth has always been shy and timid. People used to tease her about being a sister when she was younger. Ruth is very devout and attends Mass daily. She finds it difficult to relate to people and doesn't have any friends, but she knows if she enters a community that she will then have relationships with sisters who share the same values. She knows that her loneliness will disappear once she enters the convent.

Ruth's motives for becoming a sister are wrongheaded. Loneliness is part of the human condition, and all of us will experience it at times whether we are married or single, lay or religious. Also, knowing how to interact with others is an important skill for religious life. After all, it is a community-based life where cooperation, negotiation, communication, and compromise are important skills. If Ruth's motivation is to find instant friendship, she will be disappointed. Sisters struggle with the same issues inside the convent as outside. Social skills are an important part of community life and ministry. Loneliness is not a substantial reason or proper motivation for entering religious life.

5. To Repay God
Tom lived a wild life, but it all came to a sobering halt when a good friend, Mary, died of AIDS. He started realizing the danger he had put himself in and turned his life around. On a weekend retreat, Tom had an experience of God's forgiving love. In the flush of this positive experience, he went for an HIV test and promised that if he were spared, he would devote his life to God. Tom's test results were negative. He now wants to apply to the seminary.

Tom felt called while he was in the afterglow of an experience of God. He was enjoying a honeymoon period in his spiritual life, and such experiences need to be tested with time. Tom should wait and see how he feels about committing himself to the priesthood after several months. Is the thought surfacing time and again?

It also seems that Tom's decision to join the priesthood was the result of a bargain with God. Yet a true call comes about in freedom. Jesus always called in freedom and in gentleness. A call to religious life does not come out of guilt but out of freedom. With a genuine call, you feel free to choose among many options for your life, but religious life is the one that fits best. Bargaining with God is not a reason to apply to a religious community. And if someone else bargained for you, that's not valid either. If your parents made a "deal" with God that they would offer a son or daughter to religious life, you are not bound by their bargain.

One of the best motives for entering religious life is the desire to respond to a loving God. The person with other options in life who chooses priesthood or religious life is responding in freedom, rather than by default. A healthy sign of right motivation is when the desire to serve others is already evident in your daily life. Another healthy sign is when you are aware of weaknesses and strengths and welcome challenges to further growth.

After all is said and done, it is God who calls and God who gives the gifts needed for living the vows and doing service. A mystery surrounds who is called and who responds. The twelve apostles all had their strengths and weaknesses, as we know from reading the gospels.

However if you are fighting to become a priest, brother, or sister, and all signs point in another direction, your efforts will result in pain for you and for those who share their lives with you in community and ministry. The signs of God's grace at work are peace, love, and joy, and they will be obvious to those around you when you are living God's will in whatever vocation is yours. As Thomas Merton prayed,